it's saturday

I got an early email at 9:30 AM from a very close friend.

I think I am one of the people who appreciates him most. There are many reasons behind the appreciation.

The traffic in Manila and the proximity of our homes gave us the chance to become close. Up to now people wonder how we got to be good friends when besides our degrees, parental homes' geography and rules on disclosure (which is not apparent for very obvious reasons, so maybe only the first two count), we have nothing in common.

Whenever I come home to Manila, I do my best to get in touch with him. And each time, it is like we are back to our college carpool days.

This post isn't about conversations shared while speeding at two meters per minute. It is about the email.

Two lines.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

How do you decide to break-up with someone?
How do you decide to throw away all the time and emotion you’ve invested?

Tough questions.

I think the answer(s) would vary (to some extent) depending on the kind of relationship you have and want.

First off, I believe that there are degrees of dissatisfaction that correspond to for the lack of a better term, a break-up spectrum which has four major phases (1) thinking of breaking up, (2) seeking counsel, (3) weighing of options and (4) breaking up. It isn't necessary to go through each one, nor to lead to the last.

In my opinion, the minute you touch on the metaphoric spectrum, it means that something has to change. People (who make sense) don't think of breaking up just because they are bored.

Asking yourself questions might be the best way to assess the situation.

Do you truly want to work things out? If your answer is NO, then there is no need to proceed.

Is there anything your partner can do to make you want to stay? Again, if your answer is NO, then there is no need to proceed.

What do you want to happen? Is it (reasonably) possible? Sustainable? The first in the series is hardest to answer, and it might take some time before you can really figure this out. If you answer YES to either of the next questions, proceed to the next question.

How far are you willing to negotiate? If you do, is it something you can live with? Will you resent your partner? The key phrase here being you can live with, at the end of it all, it boils down to that regardless if the reason for dissatisfaction is an arrangement, an event, a sin of omission, a habit, or even a quirk.

Think of how you feel about the relationship today. Think of how you imagine feeling about the relationship tomorrow, the day after, next week, next month. I am not an expert, but I know that the right relationships feel right. In a general sense it should make you feel good. Happy. Not suffocating, dreadful, resentful, bitter, beat or inadequate.

I think I have once again, overwritten. I'm not sure if this helped. I understand that at this point you don't really want to talk about it, but you would appreciate some thoughts.

(I'm not sure if you remember that time I was crying the whole time during the drive from school to our street. You came by later to bring and say something. It helped. If only I am in Manila now, I'd be by your doorstep.)