beautiful word

Fiancé.  

Such a lovely word.

I remember having a conversation with my best friend way back, when we were kids acting as adults.  We said that fiancé knocks out girlfriend or wife any day.  Any day.  

Maybe it is the way it sounds.  How the syllables FEE and YAUN  sound low key only to end with a cheerful SAY.  It's a happy ending!

And maybe in our heads what it really means is a promise to love for a lifetime.

---

While I am too excited to wake up everyday beside my someone, I do savour the last leg of our life as an unwed couple.  

There is a high in wanting to be with someone you are not bound to by laws of man and God.  This feeling will always remind me of youth, to which marriage almost seems to be an act of rebellion.

While the lure of being unwed puts up a solid case, it is compelling how I seem to be holding my breath till the day my someone and I are truly us.

---


Fiancé will always be for me, the best sounding of the words girlfriend, wife and even bride. 

To my someone, it is yours that I can hardly wait to be.

i knead you

I bit the bullet and made my first dough.  Yes, from scratch.  As in using basic ingredients like flour, yeast, water, what have you.  It was for pizza.

It was a lot of hard work!  I kneaded by hand.  The person I'm with helped me too.  He was so nice wiping sweat off my forehead as I worked the dough.  As some point, he got half the dough and kneaded some.  We spent a good part of our Friday night kneading.

I kept reminding myself and him that Daniel didn't think much of kneading dough, but Mr. Miyagi proved him wrong--it was good (fighter) training.  I would be saying the same if one day, we find each other cleaning windows, only I'd add wash in, wash out.    

I made dough enough for eight, but only baked four.  The one in the photo is literally the first one out of the oven :)

As you can see I can still learn a few things to help with the shape and layout.  I may have placed a certain mozzarella pieces too close to the edge.

more that a rectangle

I made the pizza dangerously thin, only because I want pizza crust that way.   The same is true for the rest of our household.

So it was pizza for (late lunch) for the person I'm with on Saturday.

I was happy to hear him say wow after the first bite :)  He ate half his pizza, then had the other half for breakfast on Sunday.

basil and mozzerella on my home made tomato sauce

For toppings, I made home made tomato sauce.  I thought I'd go all the way homemade, the dough part was the hardest anyways.  So I made a sauce from whole tomatoes, basil and a lot of garlic.  Some olive oil plus salt and pepper too.  Much better that something from a can.

I really enjoyed this project that I think I'd give it another go applying things I've learnt :)

the baker is back

I haven't baked for a very, very long time.

My last attempt failed because, well, we had a spoilt oven. I was told the day after that "it was known to everyone" that it was broken. Okaaay.

It was reassuring thought--that it wasn't me. (smiles)

---

For some odd reason, when people meet me for the first time it seems that the impression I give is that I can't cook nor can I do sports. Not that I talk about cooking. Or sports.

The person I'm with is no exception. He sort of looks at me wide eyed (and nodding) whenever I mention something about myself involving either.

You won't believe how much time it took him to stop laughing that day I drove and shot an imaginary basket. When I asked him why it was funny, he said it just was.

He later admitted that my form was pretty good. An achievement in my book knowing how much he loves the sport.

---

And then, there's the other thing. Baking.

Tonight, I baked him a carrot cake.

I am just too excited for him to look at me wide eyed (and nodding) saying "this is really good--even better than your shooting form".

:)

the voice(mail)

I was watching a clip from a talk by the founder of postsecret about people saving voicemail of loved ones so that if something happens to any of these people, they could at least hear their voices again. I turned, teary eyed from the monitor to the person I'm with and said "We don't leave voicemails. Or videos." and as if there was nothing else to do, I hugged him and cried a little. I blame my period. Really. Well, not really. --- I'm always torn somewhat thinking that I'd rather live the moment than capture the moment. --- Yesterday I was watching South Park and it was about Stan's Grandpa reviewing his life and realising that losing his dog was one of the darkest moments in his life, only he can't even remember how the dog looks like. --- Moments are fleeting. Memories are not perfect. Would you want to perfectly remember a moment you struggled to have or struggle remembering a perfect moment? --- I told the person I'm with that I wanted to start saving more memories, just because. But truly, I am not sure. --- I don't know if my stand will change, if something happens. What to do?

walk me home

Tonight, the person I'm with and I decided to walk home. While at it, the street light did funny things that I sort of jumped closer to him. He was quick to ask what happened and I reluctantly told him that I thought I saw a lizard.

---

Then we talked about smiling babies, and how I thought I read somewhere that it was the face they made when passing gas. Seems like bull--or, something written in "why do men have n*pples?" (the last word, I am reluctantly writing). It isn't a dirty book. Really, it is a list of silly medical related questions and answers.

Yes, I read that--skimmed through. No, I did not buy it. Borrowed.

---

Then we bashed Channing Tatum a little. And laughed about a witty blog entry about Ryan Gosling.

---

After which, we talked about the movie we just saw, Hugo and how good it was.

(and how pleasantly surprised I was seeing Sacha.)

---

I had a headache too, but somehow I didn't notice it too much walking with him.

---

I love our walks.

There are days when I feel like the walk was the date and the date was a prelude to the walk. Perhaps, highlight is the word.

---

When we were reaching my house, it started to rain.

How lucky were we?

Very.

Today, I brought an umbrella :)

lost

Before Rhea asks, let me just say that I didn't lose any friends, not this time :)

---

I thought about friendship and how sometimes we lose touch because we are away from each other, too busy, changed. Maybe we lost reason to talk or hang out. While I don't particularly enjoy somewhat losing touch with someone because our lives had moved on, I recognise that such is life and that truly, your friends will remain your friends. And maybe at another point in your life, you'd meet again.

Last year, I met my college girlfriends (we missed you Pampooh!) again after a very long time, and it was like time didn't change what we were to each other. Sure we were facing different things now but I knew, I knew and felt that I was amongst friends.

I'm hopeful for another reunion late this year :)

---

That was about losing touch.

But what of losing a friendship?

---

I came close to losing a friend once because I was stupid. i didn't think that he would have understood if I told him what was bothering me about our friendship. It lasted for a couple of years too. I really drove him away. You can even say, literally.

Luckilly, i woke up one day and realised that I sucked.

I knew there was no way I could take back all those times that I knew I was making him miserable--and continued on ignoring him.

He gave me another chance.

You see, in this particular scenario, perhaps, he was wiser than I was.

---

Are all friendships worth saving?

I hate to say this, but honestly, I'd say...

NO

---

I was talking to someone the other day. She was asking how I felt about the chaos that surrounds her social circle. Not wanting to spill her story, I'd jump right to what I told her.

"Good riddance. Do not beat yourself too hard over losing that person. You don't deserve to be treated that way. If she truly was your friend, she would at least have given you some repect. You might not feel it now because you are hurting, but when it stops you will feel grateful that she is out of you life, leaving more room for people who truly love you."

---

I've decided a long time ago that I will chose the people I let into my life--only because I truly cannot afford to waste time "making do" with the company I hold.

---

It's almost 3AM and after a few couple of drinks, I'm feeling sentimental.

So right here, I'd say that everyday I am thankful for having wonderful people in my life :)

"johnny"

You never asked, so I kept my mouth shut. Because maybe, I didn't want you to feel that I was defensive. I guess instead, you felt that I was indifferent.

Which is usually how I am.

But not with you.

Never with you.

---

"Could not help myself" meant that I chose to do as I pleased. It was not reflective of any fondness, or the level of like for someone--only me, wanting to do something. Without thinking.

"Had to do" meant that it seemed like the (theoretically) right thing to do. So I can tell myself that I did what I should do.

"Makes me scared" meant well, what it meant. Only, it was about you. Always you. I didn't feel the need to correct you. (description #1 stands!)

---

Why am I writing? Because I heard that song today and thought about 'then' :)

---

Rhea, before you ask... Johnny is an arbitrary name. I had never had a person called Johnny in my life. Similar names, yes. Full match, none.

Maybe not so random.

It means something that can be understood by the person in this post.

i love

that I can really talk to you.

hero

I think whoever asks you to swap soup bowls when you accidentally put (a lot of) soy sauce into your hot and sour soup instead of balsamic vinegar is God sent.