have

As I walked to my workplace, pondering about the changes in my life--and self this year, a lady walks into my line of vision.

And upon "coming back to earth", I found myself staring at the tattoo on her nape.

It read: FAITH

something is not the same

Lately I had been feeling restless about work.
 
Don’t get me wrong, I love my job.  And maybe that is the problem.  Because of this, I am sometimes reluctant about change.  
 
I had an offer come up last month, and once upon a time, I would have jumped at the change.  This time however, after much thought, I turned it down.  Something did not feel right.  I know one thing, I should trust my gut.  And I did.
 
Weeks down the road more changes came, changes that I was not jumping up and down about.  But such is life.  I recognise that.  And while it got be down, bouncing back after a day or two just came naturally.  
 
There had been more and more breaking news.
 
And today’s was… well, the big one.
 
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Now that I had a chance to mull over it on my hour long journey to work, I think this.
 
I had been ignoring something that my heart, mind, gut had been screaming about for weeks.  Months—even before the series of incidents sort of shook me.
 
And maybe it is because of the fondness that I have for what I do now.  I don’t know if I could say love.  Really.  Loving something means never really feeling the need to distance yourself or move away.  So maybe it is fondness.  
 
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I was interviewed for the company newsletter just last week and I was quoted saying that what I do comes naturally to me and maybe that is why I love my job.  Or the other way around.  
 
Maybe it was also the reason why I stay.
 
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Something is coming up next week.  Actually, someone is coming next week.  We’ll see how things go.

tomato thing

I have a love-hate relationship with the tomato.

I love it as pasta sauce, that is my preference.

It is wonderful sun dried!

I even like tomato flavouring, think ketchup (catsup) fries ;)

It becomes tricky when it's fresh.

I can eat a giant bowl of fresh ones when chopped and flavoured with salt or fish sauce.

It is great with mashed salted egg. Or any dried fish.

And what about cheese? These are great with a HUGE variety of cheese. I especially like it with soft ones. Mozzarella. Goat's cheese. Ahhhh.

Let us not forget ensalada or salsa.

I don't mind TONS of it in corned beef omelets too!

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What I don't understand is why I can't seem to eat (as in abhor) when served quartered with a salad or as a thick slice in a sandwich.

Tomato chopped, yes. Tomato quartered or sliced, no.

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Which reminds me of other thing. Things that I don't mind--or even welcome in small doses, but seem sickening when shoved to your face.

Like Groupon emails.

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Raisins in savoury food... that is a discussion for another day.

like the movies

I'm not sure if it has something to do with the cycle or the moon, but today I felt lonely.

Not the hysterical-crying-while-sliding-down-the-wall-with-mouth-open but the calm loneliness you see in movies, when the protagonist makes tea, sits for a while in a bathrobe, both hands on the mug. No tea cups. Mug.

Only there was no tea.

I was not even at the kitchen.

I was just on my bed. Thinking. About nothing in particular. Just breathing. Eyes closed. Relaxing my body. Feeling.

Maybe I meditated too.

At the end, There was no grand discovery. I still don't know why I felt that way.

I said a short prayer of thanks, to remind myself how blessed I am. And to keep my promise to myself that I will always be grateful for things that I could easily take for granted.

oh crab!

Whenever someone comes to visit--whether someone who had been here before or not, I'd take them to any one of the three popular seafood restaurants to eat chilli crab, black (or white) pepper crab and cereal prawn.

I love all three. Really. That every time we go, I find myself quite excited too.

In fact, there would be days when the person I'm with and I would just head out and give into (my) cravings :)

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Just lately though, something changed.

The last four times that I've been, I didn't feel satisfied. At all. It was like I was going through the motions of having a supposed hearty meal.

Obviously, I get stuffed. But that would be as far as I could say.

In my head, there was no "That was really, really good food!!!", it was more like (shrug) "Errrr, okay.".

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IT GOT OLD.

It feels exactly like that.

I hope this is just a phase. Though I have a sinking feeling it isn't.

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A friend is coming on Friday and reservations had been made, only, just the thought of going sort of... well, makes me feel like throwing up.

For real.

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:(

maybe this time...

Today, I rummaged through my clothes-I-no-longer-wear-but-want-to-keep stash and actually took out 15 pieces :)

I gave them away. That is today's first good news.

Second, I found a skirt from the nineties that I loved--and still love, from the stash. And... it fit again!

(Surprisingly--despite the fact that I had been binge eating the past three days. And that I had a buffet dinner yesterday. I do know that if I keep on this, in less than a week's time, the skirt will be back in the stash.)

I did notice a hole near the pocket of the skirt upon inspection, the lining was in tact though.

So that brought about the third good news. I did some slight sewing today :)

Wohoooo!

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I admit it took me more time to set up my machine than do the mending, but it felt good. It felt right.

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It had been a while since I put out my sewing machine. And while I constantly think about sewing I find myself procrastinating. I even sold out and had a couple of pants shortened by a professional. Even if things like these cost more than the taxes on the items where I live.

Yes. Really.

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I realised how much I really enjoy sewing.

I honestly don't know where to begin (again), but I know that next time something needs altering, I won't we paying professional fees.

"johnny"

You never asked, so I kept my mouth shut. Because maybe, I didn't want you to feel that I was defensive. I guess instead, you felt that I was indifferent.

Which is usually how I am.

But not with you.

Never with you.

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"Could not help myself" meant that I chose to do as I pleased. It was not reflective of any fondness, or the level of like for someone--only me, wanting to do something. Without thinking.

"Had to do" meant that it seemed like the (theoretically) right thing to do. So I can tell myself that I did what I should do.

"Makes me scared" meant well, what it meant. Only, it was about you. Always you. I didn't feel the need to correct you. (description #1 stands!)

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Why am I writing? Because I heard that song today and thought about 'then' :)

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Rhea, before you ask... Johnny is an arbitrary name. I had never had a person called Johnny in my life. Similar names, yes. Full match, none.

Maybe not so random.

It means something that can be understood by the person in this post.