in your loving arms

For a couple of weeks now, I had been contemplating about the end.  

Death.  

Perhaps... about how fleeting life is.  

And how I tend to take it for granted, living.

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A meeting with a friend got cancelled last minute yesterday, she needed to go to a funeral.  Someone close to her who had been battling a disease for more than six month, lost.    

I do not fool myself thinking my words would take the pain away.  Unlike time--to a certain extent.  Still, it was to hoping that our exchange somehow gave her something, no matter how seemingly insignificant.  

Something.

The end, even when 'expected' still catch people by surprise, at least for me.  It is as if hoping for, in brief moments--expecting a miracle.  That at the last minute, the guiding hand would grant a big bonus.  

Of course, this is dreaming.  Dreaming for life where there is no pain and nobody leaves.  A world that is quite obviously, not this one.

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It was a Wednesday when a good friend got in touch with me to tell me about her loss.

Up to this moment, I still feel her pain.  Choking a little.

Maybe, it is because to some extent I felt the happiness from the short life they spent together.

The end... it takes us back to the beginning.  It allows us to see the wonder at the middle, the small joys that easily get lost in between one day and the next.

It bookmarks meaningful passages and perfect-imperfect moments.  Experiences that define human relationships.  Expressions of love.   

There are times when the best and hardest thing to do is to do nothing.  For now I choose to do that, to be there for her through the act of prayer.  She knows.  I wait.

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Yesterday, as I was playing a song to my husband and I walked up to him so he could take me in his arms.

I stayed there quietly, being held by him.

My head against his beating heart.

Grateful.  

allow your soul

In Singapore, someone is always coming or leaving.  Lately, more are leaving.  At least amongst the people I know.

Why do people leave?  Some friends got married and followed their spouses, some were relocated by their employers, some lost their jobs, some want to spend more time with their families, some just decided it was time to move on.

Whatever reason or circumstance, I always get affected by news of someone leaving.  It may be a friend I hardly see, but perhaps it is not how it affects my everyday life but rather the idea of the dwindling number of 'significant' or somewhat 'familiar' people around me.  As in, 'on this island'.  Physically.

It sometimes make you wonder why this place seems more like a pitstop rather than the destination.  

Is it truly difficult to grow root here? 

Is that truly the case?  Because this feels like home to me.  When I go on holiday, no matter how great the holiday when I get to the airport, I feel like I am nearing home. 

When I lay down at night, it feels like home. 

But why does news of migration make me doubt that?  Not unlike when 'everyone' is in on a secret and it is only you who is unaware.

Doubt. 

Doubt is good, because it keeps you aware.  It means that you are thinking.  You are concious. 

But too much doubt also means second guessing, instability and lack of trust.  It encourages feelings of restlessness and maybe, insecurity.

I think I need a mantra, To remind me that I am exactly where I am intended to be. 

I never intended for this blog entry to be religious, but it is interesting that in times of doubt, I find myself unconsiously making reference to religious text.  Perhaps it is the guiding hand reminding me to KEEP FAITH.

I will close off this entry with short prayer I read a long time ago and I loved, I had come across it perhaps more than a decade ago, but it never left me.  Maybe this is just what I need.  My mantra.

May today there be peace within.May you trust God that you are exactly where you are meant to be.May you not forget the infinite possibilities that are born of faith.May you use those gifts that you have received, and pass on the love that has been given to you.May you be content knowing that you are a child of God.Let this presence settle into our bones, and allow your soul the freedom to sing, dance, praise and love.It is there for each and everyone of you.

Yogurt Pancake with things I have at home

start the day right
yogurt pancake with dried strawberry and dark choco chips

I decided to wake my husband up with the smell of browned butter and pancakes.

I had used a simple base recipe that found online and added  things I had at home--always making a conscious effort to clear our stash.  

I did not have enough milk, so I had to replace the milk in the recipe with yogurt.  I also only had wheat, semolina and cake flour.  I used cake flour instead of all purpose flour that the recipe called for.

I also skipped the butter in the batter, instead I only used butter to pan fry.

I chopped some walnuts, dried strawberries and added them in.  I also gave the batter a generous dose of dark chocolate chips.  I just knew my husband would love it!

I took the opportunity to garnish the pancakes with stuff I put into the batter, just before I poured dark maple syrup all over.

Sleepy smiles and Mmmmmms from the barely woken one made all my effort worth it :)

crispy corn dog

I had some time today to make a snack to kick off the long weekend.  Having packets of sausages, I took a spicy italian and another with cheese.

Some wholemeal dough intended for our pizza dinner tonight went around each quartered dog.

we've been quartered, wrapped and 'milked'

 As I haven't used this dough to wrap around before, I was a bit worried.  Although I was quite hopeful that they'd come out crunchy.

While wrapping, I thought about making a cheese sauce for dipping.  My husband loves cheese, he also loves dipping.  Perfect opportunity :)

'smiles'

Some dough decided they'd stick out, which reminded me of McDonald's Twister Fries!

Crispy, cheesy and spicy.  Perfect.

let's all jump into the cheese bath!

Green Tea Pound Cake

I had been feeling off.  I think it is because I have not gone to yoga for a while.  I am doing a trial week in a studio from Saturday, so I'm hoping that would do the trick.  That would be a post for another day.

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During my afternoon commute I started to think about baking.  I ran through a list in my head of the different things I can make.  

I also needed to take into consideration the ingredients I had at home, I was not about to go grocery shopping, that would just drain what was left of my energy.

Baking.  Baking is good, it relaxes me.  

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Corndogs?  I didn't have cornmeal.

Forgotten Kisses?  I don't think I am up to that much egg beating.

Butterscotch?  Might not have enough brown sugar.

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Then I remembered that I had some powdered green tea at home.  Time to experiment, I thought.

I googled for recipes and found a lot of green tea and red bean combination.  

Red Bean?  I didn't think so.  Nope.

I searched for "butter pound cake", I thought that I can just play around with the basic and incorporate my green tea powder or anything else I have at home.

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I had some butter cream icing tucked away at the back of our refrigerator, I took it out and replaced some butter requirement in the recipe.

I also used dark chocolate rather than white, because I didn't have white.  Plus I don't really like white chocolate.  

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While mixing the batter, the green tea smell was so strong that I was worried it will overwhelm the butter and chocolate.  

Oh well, I could always do something later.  Like add vanilla ice cream :)

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As usual, I chose to bake them cupcake style because it is so convenient.  It also helps with portioning.

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Our whole kitchen smelt of goodness when I took these out of the oven.

It's not easy being green!

These are soft and moist inside, but I like how the tops are somewhat crunchy-chewy, as if there was a 'shell' protecting it.

I love that these didn't have the  'pandan green' colour that I anticipated, thank you to the dark chocolate.  The green had a caramel tinge--almost as if to make you anticipate a subtle brown sugar taste to it.

come closer... closer....

I ate two while they were hot.

Not sure how many I'll eat today.  

No Cooking!

It is not uncommon for us to go out for food nor take food away to eat at home.  For one, the economics of cooking for two is not the most sound.  Although our decision is not that is of economics, but feelings. 

We eat out when we feel like it.  Or when I'm lazy to cook.  Or if I have an evening conference call.

Food delivery and taking food away are based on convenience and craving.

I cook for fun.  I love to cook.  I love it when my husbands says "wow", in between the first and quickly-following-second-bite. 

I like experimenting.

I like figuring out what to make out of "what we have" with us nearing the next shopping day, when supplies are low.

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Early this week my husband told me we should set a chore-less weekday.

This was a day that we won't do any chores (wohoooo!!!).  

This means no cooking. 

Yesterday was our first choreless weekday.

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I cheated.

Sorry :(

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I did some light cooking.  Roasted Chorizo.

Then put a few things we had together in a platter.  Food we had lying around like pistachios, walnuts, capers, olives, dulong in olive oil and grapes.  Luckily, we had a baguette, so I sliced that too and served.

Did I say that came with a bottle of Chardonnay? :)

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When I heard our front door opening, I literally shouted "Surprise!!!!".

Smiling, my husband walked into our flat.

Not a Birthday.  Not an Anniversary.

No reason.

Stuck at Home

"I will comfort you, child"

In dire need of comfort today.

My cramps were so bad that I couldn't get up this morning.  It was bad.  

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It did not help that my heart had not healed from yesterday's news that my yoga studio had officially CLOSED.

It is truly the end of the road.

END.

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By midday, I was physically feeling better.  However, my stomach was growling!  I only had a glass of soy milk for breakfast.

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Nothing in our cupboard or ref really appealed to me, so I sat by our dinning table to think about what to eat / cook.

McDonald's was first in mind, I have to be honest, all the Twister Fries posts by friends in the Philippines were getting to me.

So I sat there.

Staring at nothing.

Until... my eyes shifted to our 'fruit basket' that isn't really a fruit basket, and saw some baby bananas :)

(bright idea)

Thirty minutes later, "lunch".