in your loving arms

For a couple of weeks now, I had been contemplating about the end.  

Death.  

Perhaps... about how fleeting life is.  

And how I tend to take it for granted, living.

---

A meeting with a friend got cancelled last minute yesterday, she needed to go to a funeral.  Someone close to her who had been battling a disease for more than six month, lost.    

I do not fool myself thinking my words would take the pain away.  Unlike time--to a certain extent.  Still, it was to hoping that our exchange somehow gave her something, no matter how seemingly insignificant.  

Something.

The end, even when 'expected' still catch people by surprise, at least for me.  It is as if hoping for, in brief moments--expecting a miracle.  That at the last minute, the guiding hand would grant a big bonus.  

Of course, this is dreaming.  Dreaming for life where there is no pain and nobody leaves.  A world that is quite obviously, not this one.

---

It was a Wednesday when a good friend got in touch with me to tell me about her loss.

Up to this moment, I still feel her pain.  Choking a little.

Maybe, it is because to some extent I felt the happiness from the short life they spent together.

The end... it takes us back to the beginning.  It allows us to see the wonder at the middle, the small joys that easily get lost in between one day and the next.

It bookmarks meaningful passages and perfect-imperfect moments.  Experiences that define human relationships.  Expressions of love.   

There are times when the best and hardest thing to do is to do nothing.  For now I choose to do that, to be there for her through the act of prayer.  She knows.  I wait.

---

Yesterday, as I was playing a song to my husband and I walked up to him so he could take me in his arms.

I stayed there quietly, being held by him.

My head against his beating heart.

Grateful.  

allow your soul

In Singapore, someone is always coming or leaving.  Lately, more are leaving.  At least amongst the people I know.

Why do people leave?  Some friends got married and followed their spouses, some were relocated by their employers, some lost their jobs, some want to spend more time with their families, some just decided it was time to move on.

Whatever reason or circumstance, I always get affected by news of someone leaving.  It may be a friend I hardly see, but perhaps it is not how it affects my everyday life but rather the idea of the dwindling number of 'significant' or somewhat 'familiar' people around me.  As in, 'on this island'.  Physically.

It sometimes make you wonder why this place seems more like a pitstop rather than the destination.  

Is it truly difficult to grow root here? 

Is that truly the case?  Because this feels like home to me.  When I go on holiday, no matter how great the holiday when I get to the airport, I feel like I am nearing home. 

When I lay down at night, it feels like home. 

But why does news of migration make me doubt that?  Not unlike when 'everyone' is in on a secret and it is only you who is unaware.

Doubt. 

Doubt is good, because it keeps you aware.  It means that you are thinking.  You are concious. 

But too much doubt also means second guessing, instability and lack of trust.  It encourages feelings of restlessness and maybe, insecurity.

I think I need a mantra, To remind me that I am exactly where I am intended to be. 

I never intended for this blog entry to be religious, but it is interesting that in times of doubt, I find myself unconsiously making reference to religious text.  Perhaps it is the guiding hand reminding me to KEEP FAITH.

I will close off this entry with short prayer I read a long time ago and I loved, I had come across it perhaps more than a decade ago, but it never left me.  Maybe this is just what I need.  My mantra.

May today there be peace within.May you trust God that you are exactly where you are meant to be.May you not forget the infinite possibilities that are born of faith.May you use those gifts that you have received, and pass on the love that has been given to you.May you be content knowing that you are a child of God.Let this presence settle into our bones, and allow your soul the freedom to sing, dance, praise and love.It is there for each and everyone of you.

only because it is HIM

I really don't want to talk about it.

I tend to keep a small group of friends whom I trust completely. And even then, I didn't talk much about it. Think "minimal dataset".

Four years. Wow. To think I was patting myself on the back for breaking out of the two-year-itch curse. After three failed relationships (three on my belt), my partner and I did it--only to find out that our relationship wasn't it.

This makes four on my belt.

There is no great drama here about being jaded--or suddenly hating the world. But there is great sadness and feelings of loss. Maybe even moments of weakness.

I have nothing but good things to say about HIM. To this day, I see him as a charming, witty, brilliant, loyal, beautiful man that I respect and think highly of. I don't think that would ever change.

I think I would miss two things the most about HIM. First is the sound of his voice, second is his enthusiasm.

There is this soothing feeling that you get when he speaks, I could never pin point what it is about that sound. He could talk about books, movies, wrist watches, billiards, lucky buddhas--or the Philippine Elections and I would always be listening intently. We could be talking about anything and still I would want to know what he has to say. I am in constant anticipation for an exchange of words--thoughts and even thoughtlessness. And on interesting times, the sound makes me feel reassured. There is comfort in that sound. I guess this is what people meant when they say "Hey, this feels like home".

For those that know him, I am sure they will agree that HE brings with him this positive energy. HE would be skipping because we are going to eat binalot, HE would be close to tears because I got him the Weiss and Hickman book set, HE would be smiling all day because we are going to have a weekend movie marathon, HE would attempt to do cartwheels along the shore when buzzed from cocktails, and so the list goes on and on.

Irony of ironies, the happy man is with the kontrabida. Or was, with the kontrabida.

And living up to my kontrabida role, I broke his heart. This brings much pain and shame (I was no trying to rhyme and I hate the fact that it rhymes, it sort of makes all these sound like some cheeky bubble gum pop corn gig!). It kills me that I couldn't give more and as a result, he is hurting.

I was always the first one to say, "Ayaw ko na ng more friends, madami nakong friends, minsan nga nauubusan na ako ng time para sa kanilang lahat" (Translation: I am not looking for more friends, I already have a lot of friends and sometimes even, I don't have enough time for everyone). But I mean it when I say that I am hoping that later on, we could be friends. Because it is HIM.

It is also inconvenient that I was not able to thank his family. They have been wonderful to me and during my darkest hour, they were the first to support me. Until the time that we have parted, his family continued to support me--even if they knew that I have caused HIM grief. I could not fathom their concern and unconditional love, it was--and until now, unbearable.

I think I could never talk about The Moth Story (OUR moth story) and The Gift of the Magi without feeling that I have something caught in my throat. The moth story especially, and it is actually fitting. The moth, drunk with an illusion of an eternal love, chases after the light, in hopes of a glimpse of a self-reflection. We were deliriously happy, intoxicated with the presence of the other during our moments, yet constantly chasing after the light, in the hopes of spending another holiday, another weekend, another moment with each other.

The truth is, I was madly in love with HIM. And I don't think I would ever not love HIM. No illusions there.

After all that has been written, I feel like there is still more to say. How will you write about a great love in one entry? You can't.

I guess I would end here. But not without adding that if I were to go back knowing what I know now, I'd do it again. Because it is HIM. Only because it is HIM.