May Meringue

I have quite a peculiar feeling about / relationship with baking sweets.  There is always that nagging voice in my head asking 'who will eat all that cake?'.  

Funny that voice never questions savory dishes.  I can cook a whole leg of lamb and not feel guilty or worry that it will go to waste.

The thing is, THE THING IS, I don't really like sweets.  I'd put a forkful of cake in my mouth and I can sincerely say that I've had enough.

My husband is pretty much the same.  So the idea of HAVING to eat an entire cake sends shivers down my spine.  TOO HARD.

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On the flip side, I love watching baking shows and as I watch I become curious and I want to bake.  I want to learn the techniques, I am curious.  I WANT TO BAKE.  I WANT TO BAKE.

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MERINGUE.  Just eggs & sugar.  Lovely.

I decided to try my hand on Italian Meringue and French Meringue. 

For both meringues, I used ratios rather than recipes--only because I have no idea whether the eggs I had on had were 'medium' or 'large'.

They say the Italian Meringue is the most stable of them all, and great for those who worry about eating raw eggs.  So it only made sense that I tried that first.

FRENCH MERINGUE

Ratio in weight is 1 egg white : 1 water : 2.5 caster sugar

Three egg whites weighed 90 grams, this meant that I needed 90 grams of water and 90 x 2.5 grams sugar.

It also required cream of tartar, that I did not have.  However I had some lemon on hand so I just used it as the substitute.  I lined my mixing bowl with lemon juice by squeezing while running 1/8 of a lemon wedge along the inner area of the bowl.

Mix like crazy (thank you mixer, I don't think I will ever do this if I had to do it by hand), in the meantime I heated the sugar and water up to 240F.

Then slowly transfer the sugar syrup to the mixing bowl and continue mixing.

At some point it will become super silky and shiny--about the same time the bowl would no longer feel warm.

Transfer into a piping bag and you are all set.  The GREAT thing about this is that it keeps it shape.  And with egg whites effectively cooked through, no salmonella!  

I piped mine on top of a Calamansi Pie.  My heart can only stand so much sweetness, I was in desperate need of something to cut through all that meringue.

pure white.  simple.  beautiful.

Next was the French Meringue, why?  In my mind, this is the quintessential meringue--probably because in my childhood this was what I had known to be 'meringue'.

there is beauty in diversity

FRENCH MERINGUE

Ratio in weight is 3 egg white : 5 caster sugar

Two egg whites weighed 60 grams, this meant that I needed 100 grams sugar.

Again, no cream of tartar, so the whole lemon thing.

I also added 1/4 teaspoon of Vanilla and 1/8 teaspoon Orange Essence.

And a drop of pink, yellow and red icing colours.  I intentionally left that at the very last minute because I wanted random streaks of colour.

Mix everything till until it can hold its shape, place in a piping bag and go crazy making whatever shape you like.

I baked these in the oven for 1 1/2 hours at 100C.  

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There as still so many baking techniques that I need to learn, practice and perfect.  

Not sure when the next blog entry would be, I tend to be super engrossed in the process that I forget to take photos--perfectly understandable when you have your hands covered with flour, eggs and all things that make wishes come true.

the longest break

I can't believe my last entry was October of last year.  

What happened?

Nothing, really.  I guess I was so caught up with other things that I neither found nor made time to write.  

Some Bread

Hours were spent bread making--whilst exploring a classic bread  book.  Though yet to bake every bread featured, I have done my 'favourite' bread types.

Today, it is more subdued.  I would bake maybe once a week or every couple of weeks.  

I just made white cob last weekend--which was fast turned to bruschetta otherwise, rotten tomatoes.  Horrible.

Breathing

On Yoga, I had gone through all the pre-paid classes I signed up for and now I had gone back to basics practicing with a volunteer group referred by a friend.  

Today, I am a quarter through the programme and pretty happy as it had helped me to finally develop a daily practice--something studio work somehow didn't encourage enough for me.

I was also pleasantly surprised to be suddenly capable to do some poses, just like that.  

Cooking

Still mad about cooking.  

I am consciously grocery shopping for unfamiliar ingredients to expand our menu.  I feel very lucky to live in a country where I am spoilt with the range of fruits and vegetables available!

Just the other day, my husband--the carnivore told me that his eating habits had changed.  He said, he used to think that he can't properly eat if the dishes are without meat/fish/chicken, but he is now finding that he can't properly eat if the food is no good.

He had been 'approving' vegetarian dishes more and more these days.

Channeling Mari

Much stuff had been let go the past couple of months.  Yey!  

This really started when we were moving to our new flat.  While waiting for the movers, I started to think about how ALL OUR STUFF were in the truck, if they decide to make a run for it, I would not know what to do.

I did some mental calculation on the cost of those items, and while modest (in my opinion), it was seriously dizzying for me.

I thought that maybe if we had less stuff, I wouldn't have been feeling anxious.

Material possessions can give us comfort, convenience and entertainment, however these can also give us stress and even deplete our time and resources. 

It is crazy how it is so easy to overlook associated costs.  

This made me consider...

MAYBE, I can own less. 

And so, I (somewhat unknowingly) started on the path to owning only things I love and things that are useful to me.  I feel that this is a lifelong process, of assessing what you have on hand and of  evaluating--scrutinising any purchase.  

My better quality (not bigger quantity) closet really caught me by surprise.  Last Saturday, I wore a top I bought eleven years ago.  And it is a top that I love to this day.

Sometimes treasures are hidden literally under a pile, heap, stack of your clothes.

100 Day Challenge

I thought I would expand the latter by doing a 100-day challenge.  

It is still a toss for me which one would be harder:

(a) no online shopping (not even groceries!)
(b) no buying of Shoes, Clothes & Accessories, Kitchen Gadget (online and offline)

Maybe on the 100th day from this post, I will make an entry :)

Arugula Pasta

There had been more and more pasta adventures lately that I had failed to take photos of.  While I still do the standard plain pasta, I did not feel any compelling reason to post as it would just be a repeat of previous posts.

What I love about my new found skill (pasta making) is that I have another venue to utilise food that are close to being wasted.  For example, I found wilting Arugula in our crisper--guess what I did?  

Arugula Pasta

I had worked quite a bit with various pasta doughs to realise that adding semolina gives me some grit.  It isn't bad, just different.  You can see the semolina bits.  This was a mix of Semolina, Whole Wheat and All Purpose Flour. 

I also learnt (the obvious) that fresh leaves sometimes do not cut perfectly when passed through my pasta cutter--so some pasta strips have some small leaf bits dangling. 

Other things in my pasta bucket list are beets infused pasta and herbs between pasta sheets (so they look like wrapping paper).


Oh, I need to use my spaghetti cutter too!

black pizza

I have not touched yeast longer than I had expected given that my stand mixer had been with me for more than a month.

I was worried that my pack of yeast had gone dead, so I tried proofing a small amount earlier this week and got positive results. With that, I made pizza :)

I have done pizza more than a few times in the past, but this is the first time since my bread baking class.  I used the same recipe I always used--and will continue to do so until my weighing scale reaches me, then I can play around with recipes.

'before' shots are never flattering!

I used a mix of wholemeal and unbleached all purpose flour.  On top is a medley of my favourite things like squid ink, cherry (or grape) tomatoes, capers, anchovies and while it is not my favourite as I like making my own, random dollops of ready-made spaghetti sauce. 

Some basil would have been great, but I didn't have any.

black is beautiful

Luckily I had cut the pizza right out of the oven because in a matter of seconds almost, it had gone crispy.  Good luck not shattering crispy pizza--even with a sharp pizza roller.

Squid Inked

When a good friend asked me last week what my favorite pasta was, I thought immediately that it is spaghetti.  For sauce my number one is anchovy and garlic oil, close second is puttanesca.  Pesto and Marinara are tied at third.

I told her that I remember feeling down when I found out that one of the cafes that I frequent stopped serving squid ink marinara.  Suddenly, I don't feel like eating their new marinara anymore.  It doesn't taste (and look) as much as coming from the sea with the standard linguine as it did with squid ink spaghetti.

Incidentally, another friend who attended a pasta making class told me that the chef taught them two variations, one was with spinach and the other with, you guessed it!  Squid ink.

These two incidents got me thinking about making squid ink pasta.  So I searched high and low for squid in where I live.  NOT EASY.  

After securing the coveted ingredient I made pasta dough.

What lies beneath?

The dough was so dark and so rich that I could not help but laugh like an evil queen.  

hung

I would have wanted to make spaghetti, but for some reason the idea of black velvet ribbons changed my mind.

happily eaten after

My husband loved the texture and managed to eat three servings.  I struggled to stop at a serving and I half--but a girl has got to do what a girl has got to do :)

I still have packets of Squid Ink, I am thinking of other fun pasta projects I could do with those.

fettuccine

I had been reading a lot and watched videos on pasta making.  What becomes clearer each time is that there is NO ONE best / perfect pasta.

There are good and very good pasta though.

I like how purists talk about less is more, that great pasta do not need bells and whistles.  Simple.  

SIMPLE.  I am so in!

I did not rush to experiment on infused and coloured pasta because I wanted to experience basic pasta first, as in wheat, semolina, all purpose flour and eggs.  That was it.  

I did try it with and without salt and olive oil.  

I am still learning.  I have not decided which one I like best.  

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Having experienced the basic pasta preparation, I ventured on making parsley infused pasta.  It turned out pretty good, so today, I made tomato and pepper fettuccine.

Truth be told I prefer spaghetti, but I though the tomato bits and peppers would show better in thicker noodles.

I know I don't look much, but wait till I had rested!

I did expect the dough to be more red and I was surprised it kind of looked "normal".  Not much colour difference.

This is a mix of all purpose flour and semolina--you can see the texture of the semolina in the dough.  

The smallish tomato bits were also a nice touch--so much better than having pink pasta :) 

find the spots, go on.

When making spaghetti, even with well floured dough I find that I need to separate each strand from the rest which is frustrating.  However, with my fettuccine cutter--there is nothing to it!
 

like soldiers

 Because it is so humid where I live, it sometimes seem like drying the pasta doesn't really dry it.

Oh well, cook fresh :)

excited to find out what I'm gonna be :)

Round 2: Pasta Making

I remember the first time I made fresh pasta.  It was a whim.  I googled the recipe and used the first one I saw.  No reading about dough texture, kneading or best practices. 

I also had no tools except a rolling pin. 

Pasta was pretty decent all things considered.  But with too much energy spent on the pasta itself, I served it with a rushed sauce.  Somehow this made me feel like starting off with great shoelaces and ending up with forgettable shoes.  It did not make sense.  

I remember Marco Pierre White saying that the end result should be better that the ingredients going in.  OBVIOUSLY.

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There was no more pasta making after that, I decided that the only way I’d make pasta again was if I had a pasta roller. 

Last Saturday, my stand mixer came.  It is a little bit funny because my pasta roller attachment came before the stand mixer.  It had been waiting for a while.

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How was my pasta?  Much, much, much better.  I was able to roll it dramatically thinner than last time. 

It also helped that I had been reading about pasta making.

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How do I feel about pasta making now?

I feel that it is definitely worth it—but only when you have time to enjoy the process, are equipped with a pasta roller (mixer or a food processor would be a bonus), and have good sauce worthy of the labored pasta.

There is, I discovered some skill in feeding pasta dough into the roller.  Really.  The last dough ball turned out much better than the first one I rolled out.  Watching videos makes you think that there is nothing to it, but there is.  Experience will allow you to roll better.

Feeling the dough is critical.  It seems like the more I read about pasta making the more I realise that it is really a touchy-feely process.  Your recipes are good guides but you need to know how good dough should feel and look like.  I love how certain chefs and experienced home cooks tell you how it should be.  How it needs to be shiny, how it is smooth, how upon rolling it changes, how suddenly, flour and eggs had transform into silky pasta :)  I love that.

no kneading (promise)

With all my baking stuff packed (and ready to move) and the void that is the absence of a mixer in my life, I had a sneaky suspicion that I would not be making bread anytime soon.  At least not for the next three weeks.

But you see, curiosity and information are dangerous things.  DANGEROUS.

During the classes last week, Chef taught us to make and use sponge and also demonstrated--more like prepared a no knead bread that looked like it was a prop from some artisan bakery photo shoot.  

Without a weighing scale I could not really practice my baking ratios.  I also had only one packet of active yeast--given to me by a good friend because she knew how hard not baking was for me!

So I googled and used a random recipe for no knead bread.  

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Oh, I had to bake my bread using a frying pan.  FRYING PAN.  

Remember?  Baking stuff inaccessible!

I split my dough into two so that I can experiment on the difference in outcomes.  
The first one I baked covered with aluminum foil (and cool frying pan) and the second on a pre-heated frying pan with no cover.

mentos inspired

The second rose much better, it had a rounder profile and had a smoother crust.  

As I finished the entire first loaf--it is clear that there were no complaints here.  The crust was so crispy and inside was soft.

I'm sure Mom is excited to visit to taste these breads.

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I have some left over yeast from the small packet, so I went ahead and made another batch using a different recipe.  We shall see how tomorrow's bread would turn out.

Basic Bread

One day, I was talking to my husband about wanting to learn things to enhance our daily life.  

The principle of doing and (hopefully not too much of) acquiring things that enhance day to day life is something we consciously consider when making purchasing decisions.  Obviously, this won't apply to grocery shopping or eating out or buying shoes, but rather relatively bigger expenses such as appliances, furniture and tuition.  

I had enrolled in a weeklong course of Bread Making in a Culinary School.  

Why bread?  It is a staple.  And I would not mind a life filled with freshly baked bread :)

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It is amazing how combining water and flour turn into something completely different.  The transformation of the flour is amazing.  Really.  

Having time to talk to the Chef really allows you to witness how much love, care and understanding go to making bread.  

I am so tempted to list down everything that I have learnt in class such as baking ratios, ideal temperatures, etc.  but I think the best lesson I took back is that... 

Each baker makes bread differently, you need to play and explore to discover YOUR bread. 

I think that is inspiring.

I think, I can say that the course was a life enhancing experience.

I think, I want to sign up for the advance bread classes to be offered next year.

Happy Sunday!

Chicken Roulade

Chicken is my cooking nemesis.

There was a time that I stirred clear of cooking chicken, well it was not too hard as I don't really like chicken.  In fact, it would be the last thing I order unless I am in a chicken place--obviously.

There was too many beef, pork and fish recipes that I wanted to try anyways.

If I really NEEDED to cook chicken, I'd boil it first.  Then I'd brown it in the oven or on a pan.  That was that.  No baked chicken. 

However, as with life there will come a point when you need to overcome your past failures.  It was funny how my meat thermometer decided to bail on me the first time I wanted to cook chicken without the pre-boil ceremony I had gotten accustomed to.

I picked (I was not going to make it easy) Chicken Roulade.  I have not done roulade anything, so this was exciting.

I also was not too ready--I did not have cooking twine.  I'm sorry to say that I used silk yarns to tie around the flattened, stuffed and rolled chicken breast!

The spices I had were my favorites, chives, butter, garlic, crispy chicken skin, rosemary and salt.  I kept it pretty simple.  Today, it was about cooking moist chicken that is brown outside.

just roll with me, roll with me.

I can't be happier with the end result.  I was surprised on how it came out.  Admittedly I was a little scared slicing through and you can see the hesitation I (and my knife blade) had slicing through.


Looking forward to cooking more chicken--though probably still not as much as other proteins :)

Molasses and Oatmeal Cookies

I had been cooking and baking like a madwoman, however I was not really taking photos and writing about my kitchen adventures.

I was also away for some time travelling where I went to bistro after bistro after bistro, drank coffee and wine (not together) everyday.  I had the loveliest time doing everything and nothing with my husband.

Surprisingly, I even cooked twice while on holiday.  With the holiday stretching relatively long, I missed the high I get out of meal preparation.  

Today, I baked cookies.  It is only my second time to make cookies but with my ever growing fondness for molasses, I decided to give it a go.

recipe here

I omitted the nuts and raisins, cut the sugar by half but using palm sugar, doubled the salt but using rock (sea) salt, cut the butter by one and half tablespoon and added two peanut butter morsels on top of each cookie--just to be cute.

FIRE!!!!!

bite me.

let's marvin gaye and get it on...

books and breaths

It is April and this is only my third post. 

Funny thing is that my writing mojo isn't amiss or anything, I just...didn't write.

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The past year I had been randomly reading yoga books--and these books aren't the kind you stay all night up for to get to the end.  These are those books you read one page of, then need a month to apply the theory so you can read the next. 

As yoga is a journey, I truly do not know how long it will take or how many times I'd need to read these lessons.

Even now when I see the trail of books at home mostly partially read, it doesn't discourage me.  It in fact, reminds me that there are many aspects of yoga, thus the book pile.

What I do know is that after years of hearing (not truly listening) the teacher in class, I finally am able to get it into my head, heart and mind how important breath is.

Breathe.  Don't forget to breathe.

This is as common as traffic lights in highways as it is in yoga classes.

I find that I am always reminded. 

Create space. 

Send your breath to where there is tightness.

Strong breaths.

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I truly do not like 'measuring' how far I have gone in terms of my yoga journey.

But I can say that my awareness and mindfulness of breath had helped me dramatically.  The change may be one millimeter visually, but inside--within me, I feel the shift.
 
Alignments suddenly happen and I began to feel new "muscles" or areas that perhaps were not being energised before.

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There are still days when I seem unable to do any poses.  And this is something I need to accept and respect.

Perhaps, these are the days I ought to focus on just breathing.  Nothing else.

FIGHT CLUBish Project: Rendering Lard

So what did you do over the weekend?

Well... I tried two new restos. Watched a musical.  Went to a yoga class.

BUT, I feel the highlight of my weekend was, rendering LARD.

Yes.  LARD.  LARD.

Pork fat.  Solid at room temperature.

What people typically associate heart attacks with. 

While there is reasonable material on lard versus vegetable oil--at how it leads to debunking the common  belief that the latter is better, I am not about to write about health and nutrition.  There is much literature out there, if you want to read more.

The drivers for me to do this mini project are:

(1) Curiosity :)
(2) Enhanced food flavour 
(3) Experience using 'new' ingredients
(4) Healthier Option (can't hurt)

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I like learning how to do things "from scratch". 

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I got the idea when my cousin in law posted about my cousin's much improved health screening reports after making a switch in fats used on their food.  I was so happy for him that he was getting in better shape.

There were photos of the 'before' and 'after' screening results, as well as images of lard and the process that my cousin in law took to render it.

I KNEW, I HAD TO TRY IT.

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While I am grateful that both my husband and myself were congratulated by the doctor after our annual exams, I thought that making small changes here and there won't hurt.

AND I REALLY, REALLY, REALLY want to try this whole lard thing :)

I did some reading on how to do this 'the right way', as in no rushing and keeping the temperature low.




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It is not an easy road to two jars of lard, but what I got should last us a couple of months. 

My steps would like be MUCH different from those you can find online.  


Step 1: Cut the fat, the smaller the better, but don't obsess.  

It doesn't need to be perfect.  Keep them reasonable small.  If you miss some, there won't be any catastrophic repercussions.  

Step 2: Place fat in your favorite pumpkin shaped Dutch Oven set on low heat.

You can add some water, if you like.  I did, a little.  It will all evaporate anyways.

the first rule of Fight Club is... err..

Step 3: Wait (and wait).  Read the book your best friend gave you for Christmas in the meantime.

It took me four hours to get to the state where I was comfortable to saying it was done. 

This should be based on the colour of the crackling (heaven's gift).  

Step 4: "Harvest" into the jamming jars you bought even if you don't plan to make jam (remembering how 3 jars of grape jam sat there forever), and don't really like jam.

I ended up going back and fourth steps 3 and 4.  I didn't want to risk 'burning' everything if I fell asleep! 
 
You are supposed to strain the oil / fat though a cheese cloth on top of a well, strainer.  

I had neither a strainer nor cheese cloth.  I just poured the oil into my jars.

No biggie.  Not the end of the world.

Step 5: Watch the oil cool into a solid state :)

This was my favorite part!  

Snow White
can't be happier with the end result.

Step 6: Collect the crackling and store.

Don't let anything go to waste!  I got the "remains" of my pork fat, pressed then down and cut them into strips.  These will go to my stir fry bee hon, I think.  Or my porridge.

the 'healthiest' chicharon option

Is it worth it?  I'd say the whole experience and the excellent turn out made it worth the effort.  

Who knows?  Maybe it will be a staple in my kitchen.

Pancit: For Long Life

Happy new year!

Coming back from our holiday, our ref is close to empty of fresh ingredients.  We were quite successful clearing our stash before flying out.  

This meant alternative ingredients, which is always a lot of fun.

Since it was the 31st, I thought I'd surprise my husband by cooking a Filipino dish I have never cooked before.  PANCIT.

There are a lot of variations to this dish.  In Singapore they use the beehoon as the carbs component of a dish then you get to pick the viand such as egg, luncheon meat, stir fried string beans... a wide assortment, really.

In the Philippines, all the ingredients are already mixed into the noodles, think fried rice.

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Equipped with hazy cooking instructions from my sister, brown rice vermicelli, carrots, onion, garlic and chinese sausage, I started cooking.  

I added the sliced lettuce in place of cabbage, I thought it worked bringing some freshness to the dish.  Like I said, I didn't have the 'correct' ingredients... 

calamansi please

This sat in front of my husband for late lunch.  He takes one bite, smiles, looks at me and says "Thank you, it is so good... like real pancit".

new season

season ii

A few months ago, we brought home the healthiest calamansi plant you can imagine.  It was filled with both fruits and flowers.

For a few months, I enjoyed cutting off random fruit to add to dishes I prepared for my husband.  Life was good.

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I then start to notice that there were no new flowers.  Leaves began to fall off too.  

I immediately asked my Dad what to do, he said that it was normal.  He said that the old leaves fall off to make way for new blooms.

Of course I believed him, but I can't help but think that my plant was, sick.

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A few weeks ago, as I was watering my plant when I noticed new blooms!  Not two nor three put maybe close to a dozen.  Maybe even over a dozen, I was too excited to count!

I took a few photos using my phone so I can show my Mom.  

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It is funny how I would never have able to identify these flowers as that of a calamansi.  Even when we first got the plant, the flowers were there only for a few days so you hardly have time to memorise how it looked like.

Sometimes I guess, I forget to make time to really see.

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As you have guessed, all the blooms are gone now and I am left for numerous small dots--promises of an abundant harvest.

TAG. You're IT.

I had been feeling frustrated.

My sister had given me a number of luggage tags; all of them in plastic--just like a credit card, with basic information about myself.

During random trips, as I pull by luggage off the conveyor belt, I’d notice that the tag had split, cracked or gone missing.

From say eight tags, I am not down to, well, zero.

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I looked around for more durable luggage tags here, but I’d find the reasonably priced ones flimsy and the good sturdy leather ones, too expensive. 

So I looked online.

And looked.

And looked some more.

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I came across an online store that offered bespoke pieces, small pieces.  Admittedly, they were not cheap, but I felt that somehow their rates were reasonable.

It did not hurt that they were very prompt in their replies and accommodating—things I highly appreciate.

I ordered four tags, one for my husband’s luggage, two for myself—one for each of my luggages, and another for my brother in law.  No idea where he would use it, but I can imagine him making full use of it.

I'm yours.

It was a long wait.  I must say.

BUT…

It was well worth the wait!

There were three styles available and I can’t decide which I like best.  All three styles / shades were so beautiful.

It was just a bonus that these were handmade.

The leather they used were of good quality, I especially love the contrast stitching and the old school feel of the typeset.

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Stopping myself for placing orders again.

in your loving arms

For a couple of weeks now, I had been contemplating about the end.  

Death.  

Perhaps... about how fleeting life is.  

And how I tend to take it for granted, living.

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A meeting with a friend got cancelled last minute yesterday, she needed to go to a funeral.  Someone close to her who had been battling a disease for more than six month, lost.    

I do not fool myself thinking my words would take the pain away.  Unlike time--to a certain extent.  Still, it was to hoping that our exchange somehow gave her something, no matter how seemingly insignificant.  

Something.

The end, even when 'expected' still catch people by surprise, at least for me.  It is as if hoping for, in brief moments--expecting a miracle.  That at the last minute, the guiding hand would grant a big bonus.  

Of course, this is dreaming.  Dreaming for life where there is no pain and nobody leaves.  A world that is quite obviously, not this one.

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It was a Wednesday when a good friend got in touch with me to tell me about her loss.

Up to this moment, I still feel her pain.  Choking a little.

Maybe, it is because to some extent I felt the happiness from the short life they spent together.

The end... it takes us back to the beginning.  It allows us to see the wonder at the middle, the small joys that easily get lost in between one day and the next.

It bookmarks meaningful passages and perfect-imperfect moments.  Experiences that define human relationships.  Expressions of love.   

There are times when the best and hardest thing to do is to do nothing.  For now I choose to do that, to be there for her through the act of prayer.  She knows.  I wait.

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Yesterday, as I was playing a song to my husband and I walked up to him so he could take me in his arms.

I stayed there quietly, being held by him.

My head against his beating heart.

Grateful.  

allow your soul

In Singapore, someone is always coming or leaving.  Lately, more are leaving.  At least amongst the people I know.

Why do people leave?  Some friends got married and followed their spouses, some were relocated by their employers, some lost their jobs, some want to spend more time with their families, some just decided it was time to move on.

Whatever reason or circumstance, I always get affected by news of someone leaving.  It may be a friend I hardly see, but perhaps it is not how it affects my everyday life but rather the idea of the dwindling number of 'significant' or somewhat 'familiar' people around me.  As in, 'on this island'.  Physically.

It sometimes make you wonder why this place seems more like a pitstop rather than the destination.  

Is it truly difficult to grow root here? 

Is that truly the case?  Because this feels like home to me.  When I go on holiday, no matter how great the holiday when I get to the airport, I feel like I am nearing home. 

When I lay down at night, it feels like home. 

But why does news of migration make me doubt that?  Not unlike when 'everyone' is in on a secret and it is only you who is unaware.

Doubt. 

Doubt is good, because it keeps you aware.  It means that you are thinking.  You are concious. 

But too much doubt also means second guessing, instability and lack of trust.  It encourages feelings of restlessness and maybe, insecurity.

I think I need a mantra, To remind me that I am exactly where I am intended to be. 

I never intended for this blog entry to be religious, but it is interesting that in times of doubt, I find myself unconsiously making reference to religious text.  Perhaps it is the guiding hand reminding me to KEEP FAITH.

I will close off this entry with short prayer I read a long time ago and I loved, I had come across it perhaps more than a decade ago, but it never left me.  Maybe this is just what I need.  My mantra.

May today there be peace within.May you trust God that you are exactly where you are meant to be.May you not forget the infinite possibilities that are born of faith.May you use those gifts that you have received, and pass on the love that has been given to you.May you be content knowing that you are a child of God.Let this presence settle into our bones, and allow your soul the freedom to sing, dance, praise and love.It is there for each and everyone of you.